What Defines My Existence?

I feel that at this time and in this place, my existence is unsure, ephemeral. I go through the motions every day but I'm not often aware of my own existence, of my relationships with my surroundings. While doing research for my thesis, I came across a quote that really struck me:

"How do you feel?"
"How do I feel," he repeated, and scratched his head. "I cannot say I feel ill. But I cannot say I feel well. I cannot say I feel anything at all..."
"You feel alive though?"
"'Feel alive'...Not really. I haven't felt alive for a very long time."

This is a feeling that I identify with right now. How long has it been since I really felt intensely alive and acutely aware of everything around me? There will never be another day or time like this and sometimes I worry that every one of these moments is lost. I guess it is kind of an ironic existence. I haven't felt alive now because I'm so focused on the future, on making it on my own.

There are other things about my existence right now that I do appreciate. While I may not feel fully invested in the moment, I am lucky enough to have many friends nearby, either just a phone call away or just a few apartments away. The wonderful thing about college is being able to grow up with these friends while you gain your independence together.

Listening Exercise

I did this exercise in the living room of my apartment.


1. 3-5 minutes. While intently listening, make a list of the sounds you hear (i.e. car, birds, etc), in the order you hear them.

-Clock ticking
-Car door slamming
-Engine starting up and car driving away
-Door closing in the apartment next door
-Another car engine, further away
-Thumping next door
-Computer "thinking" noises
-Music from a car (just the bass)
-Bird chirp
-Heater turning on in apartment
-Car driving by
-Door slamming


2. 3-5 minutes. Now describe the sounds according to such qualities as pitch, rhythm, volume, texture, location/distance (i.e. loud, screechy, fast, close-by, etc)

-Car engine, low, far away vibration
-Clock ticking, loud, close, abrupt, high pitched, rhythmic
-Bird chirping, high pitched but far away, faint, almost desperate sounding, wavering
-(Damn that clock is annoying)
-Another bird chirping, much louder and closer screech, authoritative
-Train whistle, smooth, changing pitch as it gets closer, constant, almost woody sound
-Computer processing, slow, low pitched, abrupt noises, crunchy sounding


3. 3-5 minutes. Now, just listen. Take the sounds in without engaging in mental processes (as much as possible). When your mind wanders to something, notice it, and gently take your attention back to the soundscape.

4. 3-5 minutes. Focus now on your interior soundscape. Call sounds to mind (perhaps from a memory, or familiar sounds you miss, etc). Hold them there and contemplate them as you did in #3.

In your blog document the place you did the exercise and the information you collected in #1 and #2, and report on your experiences in #3 and #4.

As expected, I had trouble keeping my mind from wandering. I had to constantly bring myself back to the moment after I heard a sound that made me think of something else, completely unrelated. It was interesting however, to realize just how loud a seemingly quiet situation can be. I did this exercise in my apartment in the morning, a time when most people are asleep, and I didn't think there would be much for me to write down. There were all sorts of noises though, high pitched and low pitched that I wouldn't have picked up on otherwise.

When focusing on my interior landscape, I though of morning sounds from home that I miss. My dog pattering across the floor, the sound of my dad showering before work. My bedroom at home is right above the kitchen and I can always hear conversations and the clinking of silverware in the morning, while I'm still in bed. I also remembered late afternoons growing up, when my mom was starting to cook dinner. She always listened to "Prairie Home Companion" and I could always hear faint sounds of bluegrass or Stephane Grapelli coming through the vent or from the living room.

Phantasmagoria: A Review

Phantasmagoria was a great success, although the actual event evolved quite a bit from the original idea.

The event required quite a bit of planning. I had to consider:

-Where to set up
-Power source?
-How to hang my sheet
-How to hang the cutouts
-Any external light sources that may affect shadows
-Supplies?

I decided that the Moseley front lawn would be the best, most traveled spot to catch people's eyes.

PHANTASMAGORIA Performance

Since my original idea for the Bodies and Interactions project didn't exactly work out, I've decided to revise it a bit. While I will still be using projections, I've expanded on my original plans. I plan to do a phantasmagoria show this Sunday, Halloween, in the same fashion as a nineteenth century show.

But what is phantasmagoria?

Phantasmagoria: (OED)

1. A name invented for an exhibition of optical illusions produced chiefly by means of the magic lantern, first exhibited in London in 1802. (Sometimes erroneously applied to the mechanism used.)

b. Extended to similar optical exhibitions, ancient and modern.

2. A shifting series or succession of phantasms or imaginary figures, as seen in a dream or fevered condition, as called up by the imagination, or as created by literary description

3. transf. A shifting and changing external scene consisting of many elements.

This week I will be experimenting with what type of lantern I want to use. The original, "magic" lantern that was used consisted of a candle and a concave mirror that was used to project frightening images such as skeletons, demons, and ghosts onto walls, smoke, or semi-transparent screens, frequently using rear projection. The projector was mobile, allowing the projected image to move and change size on the screen, and multiple projecting devices allowed for quick switching of different images. Ideally, I will try to recreate this type of lantern, possibly multiple lanterns, depending on how much light I need. The event will take place at dusk, around 7:30 or 8:00 on the 31st.
I haven't decided on a place yet but I will be projecting my images on a large white sheet, probably hung between two trees. I will create several of my own projections and also invite the audience (in advance) to bring their own. Once again, my main challenge will be logistics- getting enough lanterns, figuring out how much light I will need, etc. I'd like to do it on campus in a well-traveled spot but if this doesn't work out, I plan to use this grassy area in my apartment complex and invite everyone who lives in Oak Hill. I really want this to be an event- a performance piece that really gets into the spirit of the holiday and the tradition.

Elsewhere Artists Collaborative

Never have I seen so many beautiful colors and textures in such an unassuming place. On the outside, Elsewhere Artists Collaborative is a small, brick building, nestled between various merchants on Elm street, downtown Greensboro. Inside, the former furniture and army surplus business has been transformed into a living museum. I was intrigued and I'll admit a bit skeptical about the idea of a living museum before I visited the collaborative. I had no idea what to expect until I walked into the building and saw shelves and shelves of old, color-coded children's toys. I'm not usually a big fan of "stuff"...I like things to be organized, aesthetically pleasing while being minimalist. There was something about Elsewhere though that was not overwhelming. While there was an incredible amount of "stuff"- old radios, board games, baby dolls, bolts of fabric, musical instruments, old shoes, etc.- I was surprisingly not overwhelmed. Everything seemed to have a very specific and pleasing place. What I found myself connecting with the most was the arrangement of colors and the visual aesthetic that created. I'm very drawn to bright color and I appreciated the attention that was given to it, especially in the bookshelves pictured above. It was this rearrangement of everyday objects that made the place into more than a collection of stuff.

Bodies and Interactions Proposal

(above: very simple example of projection)

Process - What do you plan to do? (i.e. including but not limited to: ephemeral installation in nature or urban environment, drawing within nature or urban environment, performance, etc)

Driving through Burlington last weekend, I realized (yet again) how much impact humans have on natural spaces and how much that natural landscape has changed. Creation (as opposed to destruction) generally has a positive connotation. But looking around strip malls and abandoned parking lots, I realize that the human creation of these things has left a destructive mark on the space. The building up of apartments, drug stores, mattress outlets, and fast food restaurants has torn down the natural environment and transformed it into a bleak, unforgiving, ugly expanse of concrete and shopping carts.

What I'm looking to do with this project is temporarily transform these spots from an eyesore to the natural scene they once were. I'm interested in light projections and using this basic technology to reflect images onto the walls of these empty buildings, abandoned cars, strip malls, etc. (somewhat like the silhouette projections of Kara Walker). Ideally, I will take several pictures of the surrounding area and either using cut paper or natural found objects (leaves, twigs, etc.), create a silhouette that can be projected on a larger scale.

The site - Where do you plan to do it? (include all relevant information about the site itself, describe it, include images if necessary):

I'm hoping to be able to project my cutouts onto surfaces in several different locations- at least 3- along the road that leads from Elon to the train station and around that general area. Getting permission may be an issue but keeping with the guidelines, I will leave nothing behind after removing the projection.

Time - When do you plan to carry out this project? How long might you take to create it? (Is it dependent upon a certain day of the week, a particular time of day?)

The actual image will be pretty simple so the creation of that shouldn't be the time consuming portion of this project. What will take the longest is scouting out places and planning a time to get to all of them. I will have to do it at nighttime in order for the light to show up on the surface. Since my supplies will probably be limited light-wise, I will probably only be able to do one at once and move from spot to spot.

Passivity - An Ecocentric Paradigm for Collaborating with Natural Processes by Adam Clarke

Adam Clarke's article described the ever-widening gap between humans and nature and the efforts of different artists to try and bridge that gap. Through a process known as "Passive Collaboration," artists such as Andy Goldsworthy and Giuseppe Penone literally collaborate with nature to create works that embrace natural processes. These works are impermanent and do not alter the natural landscape in any way; they exist in harmony with their surroundings.

Clarke mentions land art- a movement started in the 60's and 70's. Early land art didn't necessarily embody the idea of passive collaboration however, and artists such as Robert Smithson contributed to the tarnishing of this ideal. While passive collaboration was an effort to move away from egoism and the idea of art as a commodity and return to the basics, this did not always happen.

Andy Goldsworthy, a notable land artist, is also mentioned- his intentions somewhat opposite of Smithson's. He temporarily manipulates aspects of nature to create impressive, painstaking works that leave no permanent trace on the landscape. Goldsworthy seeks to work with the cycles of nature and changes of state; one can think of the life cycle of a tree- change, decay, regeneration. Like nature's changes, Goldsworthy's work is silent, thought-provoking and steady. His pieces require an innate connection and attentiveness with and to his surroundings. Passive collaboration is necessary to understand, appreciate, and preserve the ever-changing natural world.