I feel that at this time and in this place, my existence is unsure, ephemeral. I go through the motions every day but I'm not often aware of my own existence, of my relationships with my surroundings. While doing research for my thesis, I came across a quote that really struck me:
"How do you feel?"
"How do I feel," he repeated, and scratched his head. "I cannot say I feel ill. But I cannot say I feel well. I cannot say I feel anything at all..."
"You feel alive though?"
"'Feel alive'...Not really. I haven't felt alive for a very long time."
This is a feeling that I identify with right now. How long has it been since I really felt intensely alive and acutely aware of everything around me? There will never be another day or time like this and sometimes I worry that every one of these moments is lost. I guess it is kind of an ironic existence. I haven't felt alive now because I'm so focused on the future, on making it on my own.
There are other things about my existence right now that I do appreciate. While I may not feel fully invested in the moment, I am lucky enough to have many friends nearby, either just a phone call away or just a few apartments away. The wonderful thing about college is being able to grow up with these friends while you gain your independence together.
